where.they.all.go

something in me is threatening to break. And it’s been trying for days and days now.

At a sight in the landscape.

At a high point in a favorite song.

All I can do is tell myself to hold it in and break later.

Deteriorate

Dissolve

into

nothing, nothing, nothing.

To not be.

To not be me.

To not exist.

To not exist as me.

To not.

To not at all.

And become not me.

Become an existence that is not me.

Become not at all.

It would be

Beautiful.

It’s to the point where I can’t eat.

Can’t sleep,

Can’t dream,

Can’t think,

Can’t do anything.

It’s pathetic.

is there a way stop a broken heart from beating?

stuttering, fluttering attempts at life are imitation.

dysfunctional heart valves shudder closed, incomplete.

veins that refuse to flow, futile, fragile capillaries like spiderwebs.

heart ventricles filled with regret.

This is the last thing I’ll ever say about this issue on the internet.

Nothing else will be seen or heard on this subject in a public forum such as this.

I need to carry this burden myself.

You did use me. You did trick me. You did lie to me.

You had an accomplice

that was me.

I gave you everything, and I honestly believed that something good could come out of it for once.

I told you my mind.

I gave you my heart.

Where does that leave me? Where does any of your words leave me?

I should have made you try harder for everything.

I should have continued mystifying you, I should have led you on.

I should have done anything but this.

I can’t do anything but this.

You tell me that I’ll be happy soon. I should appreciate what I have.

Don’t lecture me with the same mouth that broke everything.

I’m a fool

I’m a fool

I’m a fool

But I would give everything away to be with you.

I would give away my future, my past, my present, my everything.

My dreams, I don’t need them anymore.

I don’t need anything,

So now I have nothing.

How could I have expected good would come out of this? How could I have expected I could be happy?

Because that’s what humans do. That’s what humans do.

But not me, I can’t have anything good, I can’t be happy.

I must drift on, a vague representation of unhappiness and complete apathy.

I said I wanted to be honest with you.

You swear you were honest with me.

I want to die.

I want to die and come back to haunt you, like the movies you love so much. I want to haunt you forever.

I want to be with you forever.

You are looking at the face of a person that was given everything, everything this person has ever wanted, and had it taken away in the course of one beautiful week.

This will only hurt your reputation.

I hope the next girl you want to be with shies away from you because of all of this.

I want to make you regret everything.

I want to hurt you.

I want to be able to reach you in some way, and I know that I can’t.

And in the end, it was only my fault for believing otherwise.

So I will carry this burden myself.

You’re playing with me

I know it.

I won’t let you do that to me

I won’t let you do that to me

I

I’ll play with you

I’ll play along

until there’s nothing left.

Is this a fight?

Is this a partnership?

All I know is that we’re so twisted.

And that’s terribly what I love about you.

He’s got this biting thing going on.

Oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez.

how badly I want to talk to you.

But I know it’ll ruin everything

I shouldn’t have let myself believe that my “bad feeling” is just paranoia.

How dumb.

could I have ever believed

that someone like me

could be happy?

You’ve won.